Where are Our Role Models?
A Special Interview with Diane Coy
We, as Christian women, are often confused about the role we are called to fulfill in our homes. The world bombards us with its false teachings and materialism, and sometimes “Christian teachings” even seem to contradict themselves. So, as Christian women, what truths do we take to heart, and who exactly should we follow? Who are our role models?
Here at Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale, the Women’s Ministry has a group of ordinary women living extraordinary lives in Christ. They teach us how to live a life that matters, and the only tool they use is the Word of God.
Leading this ministry is Diane Coy, who founded Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale with her husband, Senior Pastor Bob Coy. Together, they have been our role models for many years. Whether at women’s conferences or at home, Diane is fulfilling her role as a pastor’s wife, a mother of two, and the Women’s Ministry leader. In this special interview, Diane shares her heart and talks about what it really means to be a Christian woman in today’s modern world.
As a Christian woman, you have chosen God’s overall plan for your life. Give us a glimpse of that plan and how He’s brought you to that place.
The overall plan for my life is to follow Christ, but I’ve found that path to have many different seasons. Before we had children, I was immersed in serving the body of Christ in the Women’s Ministry. When the kids came along, God specifically pulled me aside for a time to minister to my family. I am currently in a season where my main priority is Bob and the kids. I still have an occasional assignment outside the home, when I get to teach a ladies’ study or conference or God puts me in the pathway of a woman who needs ministry, but my main occupation right now is ministering to my family.
You probably get invited to many women’s conferences throughout the year. Being that your main occupation is ministering to your family, do you look at your schedule and choose only those conferences of greatest value to you?
Yes, I do. I’m on the planning board for the East Coast Pastors’ Wives Conference, so I attend that conference in Maryland every year. I also try to attend the annual Calvary Chapel Pastors’ Wives Conference in California. I find both of these conferences a refreshing time of reconnecting with other pastors’ wives.
What is the biggest step you’ve made toward becoming fulfilled as a Christian and as a woman?
The Bible tells us that three things are crucial in our quest for fulfillment in Christ:
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13 NLT).
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11 NLT).
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago (Ephesians 2:10 NLT).
God made us exactly as He wanted us, He has a unique plan for each of us, and that plan includes certain good things He planned long ago just for us. I think the greatest step toward fulfillment as a Christian woman is to make it our goal to discover who we are, what God’s plan is for our lives, and what good thing we should be doing today. When we do, we will find the center of God’s perfect will. How could life be any better than that?
What are the things that you love most about being a woman?
I love being Bob’s wife. And that’s huge for me to say because when I came to Christ, I had a very worldly view of marriage. As I looked at the biblical role of a wife, I knew that God was going to have to change a few things in my heart to get me there. And boy has He! I find such joy in being able to support my husband—sometimes with words of influence and sometimes with prayer. I even find great delight in the whole concept of Bob as my covering. It fosters a feeling of protection that I like.
I love being a stay-at-home mom and nurturing my kids. I realize that we live in a modern world where women are looked down upon for that choice, but I have found a great sense of satisfaction in making my home my job. I’m not saying that I don’t have days when it’s difficult, but overall I feel like I’m fulfilling a call that only I can.
What does surrender of yourself to God mean to your daily life?
I’m reading a book by F. B. Meyer called Fit for the Master’s Use that has given me a fresh understanding of a surrendered life. He talks about being crucified with Christ, as Paul states in Galatians 2:20. The point he makes is that if we will view all of life through the perspective of the cross, we will see everything from God’s viewpoint. In a practical way, it means we have to filter our emotions, our will, our wants, our temper, our patience, and even our successes through the sacrifice of Christ. And as we do that, God’s will is easier to see. It then becomes our responsibility to surrender our will in order to walk in His.
How do you find the direction you need to make decisions?
I read the One Year Bible every day, and many times that’s the way God chooses to direct my decisions. It has been such a reliable source of direction that I have tried not to miss even one day, although sometimes it happens because I’m human.
I also ask my husband because he is head over our home, and I believe God gives him special wisdom for our household. There have been times when his answer didn’t seem right to me, but it later turned out that he was right! So, I have grown to trust his advice, knowing that God is guiding Him. I also have a wonderful group of godly women that I surround myself with, and God uses them to counsel me, not just with words but with their examples as well.
Do you think that women have a much greater influence than we give ourselves credit for?
I was attending a pastors’ wives conference when Kay Smith, Pastor Chuck Smith’s wife, made one of those life-changing statements, and it had to do with a woman’s influence. She said, “God has given men the position to rule, but God has given women the position to influence.” I have heard Bob put it this way, “Men may be the head, but women are the neck that turns the head.”
If you look at Scripture, it’s very obvious that women exhibit extraordinary influence over men—for both right and wrong. Knowing this, it is sobering to realize that while women have been given a great privilege, they also incur a grave responsibility that goes along with the position. We need to prayerfully ask the Lord to allow our influence to bring Him glory.
How can a woman learn to trust God fully to help her become the woman He made her to be?
You can’t trust someone you don’t know. The only way we will ever trust God with our lives is to be in a constant pursuit of knowing Him. The more you know Him, the more you’re going to trust Him. The Bible says that faith comes by hearing the Word of God (Romans 10:17). Once we know that God is good and has a plan for our lives, it will encourage us to discover what God has intended for us, what talents He’s given us, and what opportunities He has opened for us. It will also prompt us to make ourselves available for all that He has for us because we know He can be trusted.
Women face many situations over which we have no control—a husband’s temper, sick children, irritating people at the work place, trials, disaster, loss. How can a Christian woman win the battle to keep her temper in check?
The first thing that comes to mind is 1 Peter 3:1–2 (NKJV), which says, Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.The word, likewise, is pointing to chapter 2, where Jesus left an example of how to handle the disappointments and difficulties of life. First Peter 2:23 (NIV) says, When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.
I think the key is for us to commit ourselves to God, who judges righteously. The temptation in all of those instances you have mentioned is to retaliate in the flesh, which pulls us down to an earthly mindset, instead of a heavenly one.
And so, we react to our husbands and our children in an earthly manner…
Exactly. I was reading this book about being broken, and it was talking about how we have to accept everything that comes to us as Father-filtered. We can look at them (husbands, children, other people) and see that their temper, their misbehavior, or whatever is making us react in a certain way. Yet the reality is that we have a choice about how we will react. We may not be able to change people, but we can change how we react to them.
In fact, He often allows circumstances and people into our lives that are problematic because He’s shaping our character and working on developing our inner beings into the likeness of Christ. That’s why I love 1 Peter 2. It shows us exactly how Jesus behaved. God is not just saying, “You do this.” He actually sent His Son to show us exactly how to do it and that it can, in fact, be done. It blows the lid off of all my excuses. When you see that Jesus actually walked the path Himself, in His humanness, it makes the example all the more poignant. I mean, think about the fact that Herod tried to have Jesus murdered when He was just a baby. His blood would have been sufficient to save the world had He died as an infant. But He lived on this earth to be an example to us all because He knew we would need to see it walked out. To me, that’s very, very powerful. As women, we need to key in to the example of Christ and hone the faith required to live it.
There’s a misconception of what a Christian woman is or should look like. Hollywood often portrays us as women who dress unattractively, don’t wear makeup, have no joy, and are self-denigrating. How would you describe a real Christian woman who has surrendered her life to God?
This question makes me smile because that’s exactly what I thought I would have to become when I became a Christian—an unattractive, joyless, and boring person. That stereotype actually kept me away from Christ for a period of time, so I know exactly what you are talking about.
You can imagine my surprise when I discovered that the exact opposite is true. Not only did I find a beauty that was deeper than just skin, but I found a joy beyond description and a freedom that non-Christians don’t have. When I realized that God looks at my heart, not my outward appearance, I was set free from the bondage of living in a world where women are judged by the way they look.
Knowing that God calls us His daughters and that it was Jesus who opened doors for women that had never been opened in history has given me a sense of honor and respect that I never felt before. We don’t need to be obsessed with what the world is saying about us or what it expects us to look like. We can walk in the truth that the beauty of the Lord is in us and upon us. We can enjoy true beauty, which is internal rather than external. You’d be amazed how that transforming truth can even be seen in your outward countenance.
When women are asked what troubles them most, guilt is frequently at the top of the list. Why do you think that is?
I think it stems from the fact that, as women, we tend to place high standards on ourselves and allow other people to put them on us too. But the Lord knows that we’re human. He knows that we’ll fail from time to time. He only expected one life here on earth to be perfect and that was His Son’s. In fact, that’s why He needed to send Jesus. So, we really need to focus more on God’s grace, mercy, and long suffering. We think that God wants us to live a perfect life for Him and He does. The problem is we think it is our life and that He wants us to live perfectly, when He really wants us to let go and let His Son live through us.
How can we, as Christian women, prepare for service?
It really boils down to the basics—daily communication with God, daily reading of the Word, daily prayer, and daily devotional time. You see, we’re all part of the body of Christ, but we have different gifts and talents. And we were not created to function independently; we were created to work together as parts of the body. So, each of us needs to find out what our part in the body is and then do whatever it takes to function in that role. We’ll never find where we are to serve without spending the quality time with God to determine our proper fit. And we’ll never have the spiritual strength to serve unless we are getting it daily from the One who commissions us to serve.
So, all of us are called to ministry?
Yes, we each have specific areas of ministry and also general ones, such as the ministry of reconciliation that Paul mentioned to the church at Corinth: Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18–19 NKJV).
So, if you are still trying to figure out your specific area of ministry, you can work on this one in the meantime. I often pray that whatever I do in ministry, as an ambassador for Christ, it would bring reconciliation between the person I am ministering to and God. My role is to be pointing back to God, to be a reflection of Him. That’s what the ministry of reconciliation is. If we don’t know what else we’re called to, we’re all called to the reconciliation ministry.
Many women find that developing a consistent, faith-based prayer life is a constant battle. In the midst of your busy schedule, how have you been able to find that faith-based prayer life?
It’s a balance. On the one hand, we have to plan. We have to strive toward finding that little nook and cranny in our house where we can have some quality quiet time. Then we need to make it a priority and keep it one. We will only do this when we realize that our survival as a thriving Christian depends on it. On the other hand, we can casually be in constant communication with the Lord throughout the day. Whatever we’re doing, whether it’s the laundry or cooking, we can talk to the Lord at any given moment.
Here’s a friendly tip: just know from the outset that everything is going to come against you when you’re trying to have your quiet time or even just that special moment of communion with the Lord throughout the day because the enemy knows that there’s nothing like prayer to equip you for the day’s battle.
It is a constant battle—whether it’s distractions or interruptions. Everything seems to come against you while you’re trying to have that moment. So, what do you do?
Yes, that’s the key—recognizing that we are in a battle. We can’t afford to be apathetic. We need to register the importance of prayer and a quiet time in our lives. Just think it through logically. What is the fruit of our day going to be if we don’t pray versus if we do? I don’t know about you, but with prayer I find myself more equipped to win the battle. Without prayer, I find that I’m weak and tend to lose. I don’t like the feeling of being defeated, and that’s part of why I make it my goal to ready myself for the day through time with the Lord.
What kind of fruit is a Christian woman supposed to bear as we are equipping ourselves with God’s Word and then bringing others to Jesus?
This is an area I find many Christians struggling with because they have not yet understood that in ourselves we can’t bear fruit. That’s what Jesus meant when He said: “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5 NLT).
Fruit is the direct byproduct of the work of the Spirit in our lives. It is not something we produce. Even when it comes to doing great things for God, if we try to do them in our own strength, we won’t succeed. We need to let go of trying to be good Christians for the Lord and invite the Holy Spirit to bear His fruit through our lives.
When you think about how a tree grows, it doesn’t sit there and will itself to grow. An orange tree doesn’t say, “Oranges, oranges, oranges, oranges” and then suddenly oranges appear! There are elements involved that help the tree to grow, mature, and produce oranges. The right amount of water, sun, seeds, soil, and temperature all contribute to the production of the fruit. In the same way, the consistency of walking with Christ leads us to mature as Christians. The more time we spend with Him, the more we’re going to be able to reflect Him. But we also have to recognize that it’s nothing of ourselves. In fact, the first step we need to take is to get out of the way so that He can produce fruit through us.
So many times we don’t see the fruit of our labor, but they are there. Occasionally, God does let us participate in the joy of seeing someone else’s life change because of our faithfulness to His call. Can you give us an example of this in your life?
God is so loving that He often lets us see the fruit of our labor so that we can be encouraged. There are times we need that encouragement to keep going. But Jesus often talked about fruit and the seasons of waiting involved. I think it is helpful to remember that although we plant and water, it is God who gives the increase (1 Corinthians 3:7). We can plant the seed of God’s Word in people’s lives and water it by prayer, but it is only the Holy Spirit who can draw them to the Lord.
I’m encouraged when I see fruit in my children or have a woman write me a thank-you note or approach me and say, “Ever since you taught this, I’ve applied it to my life and seen great change.” But I can’t live for the results. We’re called to walk by faith and not by sight. I have to trust the results to the Lord. So although He does bless us with times of refreshing so that we in turn can encourage others, we ought not to get too reliant on results in our motivation to plant and water or we may grow weary if the season for harvest takes longer than we think it should.
As we look at the vision God gave you and Pastor Bob more than twenty years ago, how have you seen the power of God in your lives? How has He used you to be role models, not only to the staff at CCFL, but also to the rest of the body of Christ over these many years?
I would define the power of God as incredible. He’s truly the God of the impossible. As I look back, it’s just mind-boggling to me that He would entrust to us what He has when we were what we were and what we are! We’re still stunned—knowing all our flaws and failures—that the Lord uses us. Paul said, But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us (2 Corinthians 4:7 NKJV).
Basically, that’s how I feel. We’re vessels with a treasure that still needs to be shared, and our inadequacies only highlight the fact that it is God, not us, who has done this marvelous work. God has a love for the people here, for this community, and for the world that this church is reaching. We get to be world changers because of God’s love, and it really has nothing at all to do with us.
God has shown us that what’s impossible with man is possible with Him. He’s been faithful and gracious. It’s not like we haven’t made mistakes over the years. But it’s by His grace that we even received a vision and the power to walk in that vision and to see Him at work. We laugh with one another and know for sure that this is God’s vision because it is so much bigger than the one we had when we left Las Vegas. We probably would have run away if He’d shared His vision with us back then! And yet, He’s allowed us to grow up in His grace during the years and to share the treasure within our hearts for His glory.
Do you also feel the responsibility of this ministry?
Yes, but not in the way you might think. The expectations on the wife of the senior pastor are endless. I know that if I walked through the church and asked people what they thought I should be doing, I would get a ton of different answers. I know because I used to try and fulfill them. Now I realize that my only responsibility is to pray and make myself available as the Lord leads. To my amazement, as I followed His leading a few years ago into full-time ministry at home, God has surrounded us with an astounding group of talented staff and volunteers who help orchestrate the many facets of ministry in a way that one person never could, even if she’s the pastor’s wife. I believe the Lord has called me during this season of my life to be a wife to my husband and a mom to my young children. That’s the role I play well because it is God who has placed me in that role.
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